When I first found out I was pregnant again, it was quite a shock to say the least. Hayden was only 6 months old and needless to say this second pregnancy wasn’t exactly planned, more the result of 3 minute opportunity as Hayden was sleeping in his cot for more than 20 minutes for the first time, one large glass of white wine and nothing interesting on the TV! Romantic I know, NOT! (Sorry mike!)
But anyway I digress, there I was sat in the bathroom, 2 days late, impatiently waiting for the pregnancy test results. I remember thinking ‘I’m only 2 days late, and it was only that one time, plus I’m breastfeeding so it’s unlikely surely?’ And yet even though I was thinking this, I think deep down I knew the answer already, I just had a feeling I guess. After the required time I nervously peeked a look at the stick resting on the edge of sink rather like peering at an unexploded bomb, and there it was was, faint but definitely present 2 pink lines side by side, PREGNANT!
I sat there for a few minutes my mind racing with thoughts trying to digest this new information, not for long though as Hayden woke up and started crying. I spent the next hour or so in a bit of daze. I then went upstairs to see my husband who had taken the day off to prepare for a big interview the following day for a promotion at work. I knew how nervous he was about the interview and how helpful having the extra money from a promotion would be, so I mentally decided not to tell him about the pregnancy until after the interview the following day to ease the pressure. This lasted all of 2 minutes when I walked in I burst into tears and blurted it out! I have always been one to wear my heart on my sleeve.
I was really nervous about how Mike would take the news, we had discussed having another baby and although we definitely wanted another we had planned to wait until Hayden turned one. To his credit, he laughed and smiled saying “really?? Is that why your crying? I thought you’d crashed the car or something terrible” I’m sure he was more shocked than he let on at the time, but couldn’t show it as I had turned into a crying wreck!
The thoughts were still racing; ‘I’m not ready, physically or emotionally, I’ve just gotten into a semblance of routine with Hayden and feeling comfortable being a mummy and how is this going to change’ ‘I love Hayden so much how will I ever feel the same about another baby’ ‘how will we afford to have another baby’ ‘I’m due to start back at work in 2 and half months time, what are they going to say? Will I be entitled to maternity leave/pay?’ ‘How will I cope with 2 babies?’ Panic and fear had arrived.
Guilt then kicked in too, guilt that I would no longer be able to give my undivided attention and love to Hayden and that somehow he would miss out on additional time just the two of us. Guilt that I would not be able to give a second baby the same level of attention that Hayden had had and fear that perhaps I wouldn’t want to. Guilt that I was feeling so unsure about this unplanned second baby when some people really struggle with falling pregnant, and it was wrong to feel this way I should just count myself lucky surely.
Please don’t get me wrong all these emotions were mixed with joy and happiness too, after all we had always said we wanted 3 children. I suppose part of the difficulty for me was that I am such a planner, I write lists upon lists and when plans change I do often find it difficult to adapt, at least initially. For instance, I had planned to finish University before we got engaged, I planned to be engaged a year and married before 30, and have a baby shortly afterwards, all of which very luckily happened pretty much on schedule. This was one the first things to deviate from my plan of having roughly a 2year age gap between children, and just took a bit of time to get my head round it.
Now 6 months on, having talked to friends with 2 children close in age I know that my feelings and fears are al completely normal. I am looking forward to meeting this new little boy and getting to know him, but yes I am still worried that I won’t feel the same love and bond as I did with Hayden. I feel less worried about the impact on Hayden now, as he’s such a social little boy, I think that although it will be a bit of a shock to him that ultimately he will love having a little brother play mate to boss around! I still also worry about how I will cope on a day to day basis with an almost toddler and newborn but I just keep telling myself that lots of people do it and survive and I will too hopefully, plus I’m lucky enough to have a supportive family and friends who I would be completely lost without!
P.s. Mike got the promotion, telling me the news spurred him on to do well at the interview!
If anyone has any thoughts on this post or has experienced similar feelings/fears I would love to hear from you, please comment.