Socially anxious? Me? No…
To those of you that know me especially pre baby you will know that I am a naturally social person. I love meeting up with friends and talking, never normally short of anything to say anyway!
Recently I have found myself avoiding social things, not intentionally but subconsciously. By letting little things be the reason for not seeing people and not making as much of an effort with people. I know why I have been doing this, it’s because I’ve been feeling so low and the thought of being social makes me anxious.
Now I’ve have felt like this before several times since having children, and I think it’s one of those things where due your world revolving around your children it’s easy to become quite isolated, and in turn feel a bit socially anxious.
When this has happened to me previously even if it’s just for a week, 2 things happen. Firstly, I feel worse. A vicious circle where you don’t socialise because you feel a bit flat, so you feel anxious about socialising, so then you feel flatter. Secondly, when I make myself just go and meet up with friends it’s always fie, better than fine. It’s never awkward like I fear it might be, I never have difficulty making conversation and I always feel 100 times better for it afterwards.
But today it wasn’t like that…
After baby sensory with Austin, all I really wanted to do was go home and hide under my duvet. But I didn’t, partly because Mike was working from home and I didn’t want to distract him but also because I thought I should make an effort and be social. So I stayed and had a coffee with some of the other mums and babies.
But I felt so awkward and disconnected from the conversation somehow. The other mums are lovely and to their credit kept trying to engage me in conversation. I did talk don’t get me wrong, but I just really struggled. My head was fuzzy and I struggled to follow the conversation. I have never felt like this before and it really upsets me.
Talking and connecting with other people has also been ‘my thing’ even at work, it’s the attribute that has always been praised and commented on, that I’m very personable and friendly.
Something I don’t entirely understand either is despite feeling socially anxious and not having the words when with people, they are just flowing out of me writing this down. Go figure huh?
I know that this too shall hopefully pass but I suppose it’s just another thing making me feel like I am losing myself, who I am and what makes me me? This is itself is pretty depressing.
But practice makes perfect and I know from previous experience that if I shy away from seeing people and getting out, it will only make me feel worse. I have some plans to see some friends next week and to go to postnatal support group so I am hoping I don’t chicken out and still do these.
Of course now I written this and you’ve read it, I have to go! Way to be accountable I guess.