Today Anxiety has won.
It has completely consumed me and I have been left paralysed in panic.
I couldn’t go to work, I was too scared to go. I just couldn’t do it. I tried to make myself but couldn’t.
I feel nauseous, can’t face any food. Cant stop crying. Can’t concentrate not anything. I know it’s self involved and selfish, so then I feel guilty and awful about that, and then negative thoughts of worthlessness kick in and my anxiety levels rise even more.
I Feel embarrassed and ashamed
It’s a vicious cycle that Im struggling to escape from today.
Then I worry about the knock on effects of not being able to go to work, both for the team but also for my career, will I get in trouble?, is there a chance I could lose my job?. If I lost my job, finicallit we wouldn’t be able to cope. I would have let my Mike and the boys down in the worst way. I’m more of a burden to them than a help. This is just a snippet of the thoughts that wiz round and round my head on a uncontrollable loop.
I find it almost impossible to talk about my anxiety and how I am feeling in the moment, my reaction is to run away. Run away from everything and everyone. Run away and hide.
I am currently sat in a random coffee shop huddled in the corner, crying silently and writing this because I feel like if I don’t write it down my head might implode with racing thoughts.
People are staring but I don’t know them and I don’t care. I must look such a state.
Yesterday I felt ok, I managed to shove my feelings of anxiety about the impending week deep down and just enjoy Austin’s 1st bIrthday party with my friends. But once everyone had gone home and the sun went down, I felt the internal panic start, and my thoughts became increasingly negative, worried about what might happen, if I would make mistakes etc
Anxiety and depression feels a bit like locked in syndrome. You are locked into your own head and can’t escape, except that really it’s a prison of your own making which only makes it worse as you blame yourself, and you feel useless as you have no idea how to get out.
I must find a way out.